It is time that a Personal Licence was made a legal requirement for the owning and usage of an Umbrella. Granting of the Licence would be conditional upon completing mandatory Umbrella Handling and Etiquette lessons, and most importantly of all, upon proving to the Licencing Authority that you are not a complete fuckwit.
Whilst the fuckwittery component of this new legislation will of course mean a severe decline in the numbers of people who will be lawfully entitled to own and carry an umbrella, the benefits to increasing the safety of citizens out shopping will more than compensate. And, in all fairness, if you have failed the fuckwit component, then you deserve to get wet instead of risking the eyes and heads of passing innocent pedestrians, you selfish fuckwit.
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